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Medical Jokes and Medicine Milestones



A Short History of Medicine: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."

2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 A.D. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"



A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every year."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

"Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia."



Ancient Egyptian Medicine
Ancient masters of human anatomy and healing

The Ancient Egyptians were advanced medical practitioners for their time. They were masters of human anatomy and healing mostly due to the extensive mummification ceremonies. This involved removing most of the internal organs including the brain, lungs, pancreas, liver, spleen, heart and intestine. The Egyptians had a basic knowledge of organ functions within the human body (save for the brain and heart which they thought had opposite functions).
The practices of Egyptian medical practitioners ranged from embalming to faith healing to surgery and autopsy. Among the curatives used by the Egyptians were all types of plant (herbs and other plants), animal (all parts nearly) and mineral compounds. The use of these compounds led to an extensive compendium of curative recipes, some still available today. For example, yeast was recognized for its healing qualities and was applied to leg ulcers and swellings. Yeast's were also taken internally for digestive disorders and were an effective cure for ulcers.
Though the Egyptians were effective healers, they did not have a clear knowledge of cellular biology or of germ theory, so it would be inappropriate to attribute the use of Yeast's as an antibiotic; as the curative effects behind the use of antibiotics were not known until well into modern times.

Learn more about Ancient Egypt medicine





A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"

A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

Lady says to pharmacist: "Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?"
Pharmacist replies: "Cause that's all we've documented so far."

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.
On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.
On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft."
"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."
"I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia."

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

If it is dry - add moist; if it is moisten - add dryness. Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."
"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there. The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?" and the man replies, "No, just spots."



Maimonides 1135–1204 AD
Advocated sober and clean lifestyle

Jewish scholar, physician, and philosopher, the most influential Jewish thinker of the Middle Ages, born in Cordoba, Spain, wandered through many countries, and finally reached Egypt via Morocco, where he settled in Cairo to become the personal doctor of the great Sultan Saladin and there he also died.
He is sometimes called Rambam, standing for the initials of his Hebrew name: Rabbi Moses ben Maimon.
Maimonides proposed a sober, clean lifestyle and had a strong influence on later medicine. This may be a reason why the Jewish community was often relatively unaffected by epidemics, like the Black Plague in 1348, which stigmatised them and made people suspicious of them.
Besides being a prolific writer of Jewish Thought, Maimonides wrote ten medical works which were all written in Arabic. He wrote the Kitab al-Fusul in which 1500 quotations from Galen were collected together with quotations from Arab writers. He collected the synonyms of drugs and commented on poisons and as a matter of fact addressed all the medical fields known in his times.
Learn More about Maimonides' Medical Heritage



He is not dead, he is electroencephalographically challenged.

"Are you an organ donor?"
"No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army."

A man needing a heart transplant is told by his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants the sheep heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him "How are you feeling?" The man replies "Not BAAAAD!"

What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Did you hear about the baby born in the high tech delivery room? It was cordless!



Edward Jenner 1749–1823
Laid the foundations of modern immunology as a science

Edward Jenner was an English physician; pupil of John Hunter. His invaluable experiments beginning in 1796 with the vaccination of eight-year-old James Phipps proved that cowpox provided immunity against smallpox. His discovery was instrumental in ridding many areas of the world of a dread disease and laid the foundations of modern immunology as a science.

Learn More about Edward Jenner and Immunology



An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes? Pull down their genes!

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the businessman a fee for his services of $5000. The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:
1 screw $ 1
Knowing how to put it in $4999
$5000 total
The businessman never argued.

A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and the talk turned to their lines of work.
"You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of work is complicated as the work we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it while the engine is running."

A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."




Sigmund Freud 1856–1939
The originator of the psychoanalysis therapeutic theory

Freud was an Austrian psychiatrist, born in Moravia, lived most of his life in Vienna, and received his medical degree from the University of Vienna in 1881.
Freud is mainly associated with psychoanalysis, a name given by him to a system of interpretation and therapeutic treatment of psychological disorders. Psychoanalysis began after Freud studied (1885–86) with the French neurologist J. M. Charcot in Paris and became convinced that hysteria was caused not by organic symptoms in the nervous system but by emotional disturbance. Later, in collaboration with Viennese physician Josef Breuer, Freud wrote two papers on hysteria (1893, 1895) that were the precursors of his vast body of psychoanalytic theory. Freud used his psychoanalytic method primarily to treat clients suffering from a variety of mild mental disorders or neuroses. He devised a therapeutic technique called free association, which would allow emotionally charged material that the individual had repressed in the unconscious to emerge to conscious recognition.
Freud was joined by an increasing number of students and physicians, among whom were C. G. Jung and Alfred Adler. Both made significant contributions, but by 1913 ceased to be identified with the main body of psychoanalysts because of theoretical disagreements with Freud's strong emphasis on sexual motivation.

Learn More about Freud and Psychoanalysis



Neurotics build castles in the sky.
Psychotics live in them.
Psychiatrists collect the rent.

Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"
The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."
The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"
The second responds, "God told me I was."
At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a cat.
How long has this been going on?
Oh, since I was a kitten!

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the bulb really has to want to change.



Rosalind Franklin 1920-1958
Had a crucial role in the discovery of the helix structure of DNA

Rosalind Franklin is most associated with the discovery of the structure of DNA. At 26, after she had her PhD, Franklin began working in x-ray diffraction - using x-rays to create images of crystallized solids. She pioneered the use of this method in analyzing complex, unorganized matter such as large biological molecules, and not just single crystals.
Franklin made marked advances in x-ray diffraction techniques with DNA. She adjusted her equipment to produce an extremely fine beam of x-rays. She extracted finer DNA fibers than ever before and arranged them in parallel bundles. And she studied the fibers' reactions to humid conditions. All of these allowed her to discover crucial keys to DNA's structure. Maurice Wilkins, her laboratory's second-in-command, shared her data, without her knowledge, with James Watson and Francis Crick, at Cambridge University, and they pulled ahead in the race, ultimately publishing the proposed structure of DNA in March, 1953.
It is clear that without an unauthorized peek at Franklin's unpublished data, Watson and Crick probably would neither have published their famous paper on the structure of DNA in 1953, nor won their Nobel Prizes in 1962. Franklin did not share the Nobel Prize; she died in 1958 at the age of 37.

To learn more about Rosalind Franklin click here and here.



More Medical Jokes

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!
Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.
A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I went to see another doctor," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me in just ONE session!"
"One?!" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.
"Yeah," continues Joe, "my new doctor is a behaviorist."
"A behaviorist?" the psychoanalyst asks. "How did he cure you in one session?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room. Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.

A lady rushes into the veterinarian and screams, "I found my dog unconscious and I can't wake him - do something."
The vet lays the dog on the examination table and after a few simple tests he says, "I'm sorry, I don't feel a pulse, I'm afraid your dog is dead".
The lady can't accept this and says, "No, no, he can't be dead -- do something else."
The vet goes into the other room, and comes back with a little cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts sniffing the dog from head to toe. It sniffs and sniffs up and down the dog, then all of a sudden just stops and jumps off the table and leaves. "Well, that confirms it," the vet says, "your dog is dead."
The lady is very upset but finally settles down. "Okay, I guess you're right. How much do I owe you?" The vet says, "That will be $340."
The lady has a fit and asks, "Why is it so much? After all the vet didn't do anything for the dog."
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $40 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT SCAN!"

What is a double-blind study?
Two orthopedists reading an electrocardiogram.

Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."

Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?
Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.

A doctor gave a guy six months to live. He didn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

Doc tells a guy he has a bad heart. The guy says "I want another opinion." The doc says "OK, you're ugly too."

Patient (lifting arm): Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Don't do that.

Sign seen on the door of a medical school building: Staph Only

Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
They loved in vein.

From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports:
In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature.

Scientists say that 90% of all one dollar bills carry germs. Not true! Even a germ can't live on a buck these days.




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